So much pain right now!

I am an emotional wreck.  I found out I was pregnant and now I am having a miscarriage.  I am so upset I had my tubes tied in 2009 and I have lost 3 babies now.  Why is this happening.  I mean really I am to young to get a hysterectomy but I am not to young to have six kids and keep losing babies.  I emotionally cant take it anymore.  I am going crazy and mad and just exhausted.  I mean where do I go from here.  I am in so much pain and I also know that with all my medical conditions I would be high risk pregnancy and possibly have a disabled child.  I believe every child deserves a chance.  It wouldn't be my first choice but I would love my child either way.  Where is this taking me or teaching me maybe I don't know I am so confused and hurt.  I feel like just curling into a ball and crying.  Also my poor husband is so upset he has kind of shut himself up.  I feel like I am failing him.

  I mean what do you tell your husband.  I am sorry I cant carry your children.  I wish I would have never gotten that stupid tubal when I did then I would never have to worry about this.  I want to just move on but I think to grieve is the best way.  I always have to write or I just bottle it up and explode.  I wanted this baby so bad.  Unfortunately I cant afford to have my tubes untied.  I am kind of stuck in a hard spot what do I do.  Do I have the hysterectomy or do I have my tubes untied, I am so tied and feel like I am being split in different directions.  I wish I could just curl up and cry till the pain is gone.  The more pain I have from this miscarriage the more I think about losing my precious child.

Been so long updates!

So sorry for taking so long to post what's been up.  We have had so many things happen, me and my husband so far this year have experienced some hard times.  For one we got our taxes back, so we planned this huge road trip, and then our landlord decides he wants us to move out and raise our rent if we didn't pay a full year like we did last year.  So we looked for a place but everything was so expensive, so we made a deal with him paid the extra rent this month and he compromised on some things as well.  I still am looking for a new place, I just cant take staying here knowing he is being a big turd head.  So besides that then we let our daughter stay at her friends house and she ends up drinking and getting knocked up.  I don't know what to do about that she thinks she has had a miscarriage she bled for two days but I think she just told me that for one she had no emotional struggles, two then she had no pain and three she never came and got some stuff for her bleeding.

I am struggling with so many things and emotions right now she is getting ready to graduate in may, then she has prom and the boy who knocked her up is a little turd to he tells her to punch herself in the stomach, or get drunk or do something to have a miscarriage.  I wanted to kill this boy.  I am very controlled and don't like confrontation.  This boy has done nothing but torcher her.  Anyways so then here a few days ago I find out that I am pregnant again.  I am about 7 weeks and I am super excited but I am also very scared because I had my tubes tied and I am in my 30's and I had a lot of medical conditions.  Then not only that but the new van we just bought from new wave car lot here in Zanesville sells us this beautiful van a 2005 Chrysler town and country my husband made this happen and got me this van now its been a month and the belts in the tire are busted and the van wobbles when driving they said oh mam you cant drive this car and it has been like that for more than a month so I call them they say of course that it is as is paid for and then they look at them and they give me one tire and wouldn't even put it on for me.  So now I have to come up with the money to do this I am so upset with them.  I am going to say that I feel everyone or anyone who sees this don't buy a car from them they will rip you off.  Well guys and gals I will see you later hope to post more and sorry for my absence.

Taking care of business!

Well today has been productive.  I got the kids ready this morning.  I did a little blogging after the kids went to school.  I then got my husband a new doctor which he needed badly.  I got him in for next week, I then got me an appointment to have my ears checked.  I have only about 30% hearing in my left ear from when I was a kid.  Then when we moved from Arizona to Ohio, my left ear drum exploded, let me tell you that is some painfull stuff there.  So that ear is very bad, but my right ear is becoming bad to and my husband is always saying stuff to me but I always have a hard time hearing him.  So I broke down and made an appointment.  I then called my husbands attorney for his disability, to find out what was going on with his case because we had not heard anything in awhile.  They finally called us back and we updated some of his information and asked when he was supposed to go to court.  We had not heard anything in so long. 

So then I made us some lunch, we then took a walk to the store.  It was so super cold out but it was nice to get awhile.  Then we got home and watched a movie, well lol I tried to watch the movie but fell asleep.  I haven't been able to sleep at night so I have been sleeping for a few hours and then wake up at like 3 a.m. and cant go back to sleep.  Then the kids got home from school we told them everything that was going on and talked to them about school.  I then walked over to the pawn shop with my husband and got some new movies, and then I made dinner.  We had hamburger gravy and mashed potatoes.  It turned out pretty good this time.  I don't use measuring cups and so on, so it never comes out the same every time.  So now I am blogging and talking to you guys and then it is shower time for the girls and getting clothes ready for school and then bedtime routines start.  Then hopefully some quality time with the hubby....if you know what I mean.  It will be quite then.  Okay well talk to you all soon.

What the heck is going on?

So I sit here and I am wondering, what the hell is up with kids these days?  Things are so different from when I was a kid.  So me and my husband are pretty strict with our kids, but the thing is they are still mouthy.  My 10 year old daughter Ali, tells me (cause I told her to do something) that she is not talking to me anymore.  Well okay I see how you want to play this.  So I will play her little game.  So I don't talk to her except to tell her time for bed brush your teeth and so on.  I was short and brief.  I don't like to play games but sometimes I feel that my kids don't understand what they are doing not only to me but other people (cause if she can do it to me she will do it to others).  So here it is the next day, I am doing the little girls hair for school and getting all there stuff together.  Well she wants me to do a bow in her hair.  I just kind of nodded and went about my way.  Then she wanted help finding something.  I just continued helping all the other kids get ready.  So she breaks down and says I am sorry mom I didn't mean it, I want to talk to you now.

Well of course I immediately say well what did you learn from doing this.  She say not to tell you what I am going to do.  Well no then you didn't learn what I was trying to teach you.  Although you may feel mad, or upset about something, instead of saying something hurtful or saying I don't want to talk to you anymore can be a permanent situation for someone else.  You say things and they are hurtful. You need to treat people including me how you would like to be treated.  Because people will not just take all of what you dish out, they will just drop you.  I don't like my kids judging, or treating anyone badly because of how they look, act, or what they do.  Everyone should be treated just how you would want to be treated.  I told her to remember back when she was being picked on because the kids didn't like how she dressed.  I said how did that make you feel?  Well I hated it mom she said, and of course she understood at that point what I was getting at.

What I don't understand is the way the kids think they can treat there parents now a days.  There are so many rules now for parents.  They don't want you to spank kids or yell at them but let me ask you all something since when was spankings so bad?  I mean I got them and I turned out just fine.  There is a fine line between spanking and beating you cant beat the crap out of your kids, its not a freebie to let out all your aggressions and frustrations out on this child.  But I do think kids need a spanking to understand there is just no way I am going to stand for your behavior.  What am I supposed to do?  I want to discipline my children and my oldest daughter is about to be 18 and she is so not prepared for life in the real world.  But that is not our fault, she is spoiled by other family members and how do I stop that when they do it behind our backs.

Then my oldest son is so stuck on his phone that he got for his birthday.  The only thing is it don't have service.  I cant afford to pay for service, I mean me and my husband don't even have cell phones.  So he tells me that he is tired of his older sister getting things that he don't and he is a honor roll student yet he doesn't have cell phone service, (because we cant afford it), she also gets money to go to the store just to get munchies, well I don't have the money for him to get food when she does that stuff adds up.  I can use that money to at least buy some noodles to make a meal out of stuff I already have at home.  He is growing more and more everyday to dislike her and what she gets but I keep explaining I have no control over that her biological mom and grandparents do it.  I think that it is time to sit down and have a family meeting.  I think that there may be a few of the other kids that feel that way to.  I mean my oldest daughter says she refuses to do dishes because her hands get messed up.  Well I don't really care you will do chores like everyone else and if you don't you will suffer for the choices you make.  So we will see tonight because her and the other girls have dishes tonight and if she doesn't do them the phone is being confiscated.  Well I am going to take a walk with my wonderful husband and I hope you all have a great and wonderful night. 

Also if you want feel free to leave a comment with any suggestions on how I can do some things.  I am not a perfect parent and will never be.  I make mistakes and I would love suggestions.

Sunday Night Convo!

So here is the deal I am a step parent to my hubbys 17 year old daughter.  I don't usually say that cause I count her as mine, but there is a reason I am saying this.  Tonight we are having a math off as we call it we ask questions at the dinner table for each one of the kids and they give us an answer.  So we are doing this and my six year old says mommy, I have to tell you something Ali and Britt have been talking bad about you.  So I say oh yeah, and she said yeah they say you guys are jerks and mean and blah...blah...blah.  No big deal to me or the hubby.  The thing is they talk bad about us in front of the little ones.  Now we all know are kids are going to get mad at us and say and do things they don't mean.  Later on in life we hope that they will see what we say and do was to help them in life.  So anyways we move on but the hard thing is my 17 year old daughter is so selfish.  I mean her blood mother gets child support and a lot of it, and we have her full time, she also is the only child on that side.  So her mom sends her money on a debit card, sent her four hundred dollars cash for Christmas not including what we did for her and her grandparents on all three sides.  She came out with about seven hundred dollars for Christmas.  We are the only ones who did not do money or gift cards. 

So she also has an iPhone 5s...we did not get this for her.  Her mother did, and pays the bill.  Now we had to go to the store to grocery shop.  And if you all read some of my other posts you know we are having car problems.  So we can start the car get to the store and have to stay at least and hour, before the car will start again.  So I ask her to keep an eye on the kids and also if we could borrow her phone in case car doesn't want to start and we have to walk in freezing weather.  She says yes she will watch the kids but that she was waiting for a call from her mother.  Now we have a home phone but she needed her cell phone for some reason.  So my husband said just let it go.  I quit frankly am tired of the double standards for one she is teaching the younger kids things, they shouldn't know yet.  The other thing is she has all this stuff and buys take out food or goes out to eat all the time.  But never once takes into consideration the other kids who cant do that because we cant afford it.  Yet when we do have money we make sure we do for all.

So here is the thing what do I do.  I don't think it is fair.  The kids don't seem to really think about these things and I don't want them to see her differently or think they can have the same cause they cant.  I don't want any of my kids including her to have everything they want.  Yet anytime you try to talk to her mom to stop she says yeah that's fine but I am not turning her phone off.  Then does it anyways.  I cant seem to make her understand that how is she to survive in life with having everything handed to her.  She needs to know that life is not like this and you have to work for what you want.  She is only 5 months away from turning 18 and she has no idea.  I feel stuck her dad backs me up a hundred percent but that doesn't matter when she gets it anyways.  She is most likely not going to graduate cause she goes to school and is all about a social life.  She doesn't go anywhere here because we refuse to let her because she is not doing well in school and she physically attacked her dad last week and still has no regrets about it.  She also says she thinks that I am just another person she doesn't have to listen to and sees me as below her. 

I need to do something but I am so lost.  I mean should I leave it alone, or just give up and let her learn on her own.  I don't know maybe you guys if anyone is reading this have some suggestions for me.  Thanks have a great night.

14 years of marriage!

Well I know its been awhile since I have written.  I just celebrated 14 glorious years with my hubby.  You know life isn't always easy, its down right just hard.  We have had our ups and downs and sometimes I feel like I only look at the bad.  But on this day this wonderful day that we shared together 14 years ago, I remember all the good, the great actually.  I love how big his heart is how much he loves me and our children.  He can make me laugh at the drop of a hat.  He is such a wonderful man and as much of a pain in the butt I can be, he always sticks by my side. 

Let me give you a little insight of our fantasy day our wedding we met and two weeks later he asked me to marry him.  He was so wonderful, and helpful, he was so great with our son and daughter.  He had a daughter and I had a son but they both don't know any different I am her mom and he is his dad.  We connected on so many levels, I could look into his eyes and just see us old sitting on a porch swing, with our grandchildren running around in the yard.  I wanted to be with him, to share my soul and love with him he is my everything.  Anyways he asked me to marry him on a Friday and by Monday we were down at the courts getting married.  To some it doesn't seem magical but to me I will never forget that day.  He was so amazing, he took my hand and held me till they said I pronounce you husband and wife.  The greatest day of my life. 

I have so many hopes and dreams and though I realized life wont always be great and wonderful.  I know that I have him forever.  He will never leave me we may not agree or want the same things or have differences but I wouldn't be who I am right now without him.  He has made me a stronger person, a better mother, and he is my best friend my soul mate, and my heart.  I want my love to always be there with him.  I want to spend every waking moment with him and tell him all my little secrets share my everlasting time with him.  He is so special to me and though I don't tell him everyday like I should I love him so much.  He has made my life complete and if I was to go tomorrow I could say that I would never change anything.  He will always be the man for me who stole my heart and who will always have it for eternity.  I wish that you all could understand the love I have for this man this person who has made my life everything I ever wanted.  I always say that I want that fantasy and that I could never have it.  But after 14 years I have to say that he is my fantasy he has made all my dreams come true.  He gave me everything I have ever wanted and he is my knight and shining armor I love him dearly.  I love him completely I will always cherish what we have for eternity.  I love you hubby always and forever. 

Sciatica

I know that I have not written for a couple of days.  It has been a busy couple of days.  I have also been down, I have MS and cardiomyopathy and stress seizures, but that is not what kept me down.  I have a curved spine.  So I have been in extremely bad pain, its my sciatica.  I am having a hard time sleeping and laying down or sitting really kills but what is worse is trying to walk.  So I haven't really slept very well in the last couple of days.  I really feel like my lower back is being stabbed over and over or like someone stabbed my with scissors and is opening and closing them in my back.  I have been trying to ignore the pain but my doctor gave me muscle relaxer to help with the pain and they are ten milligrams but its not even touching the pain I have taken six in the last three hours and I am still in so much pain.  Usually I have to go to the hospital and get a shot of dilaudid a very strong muscles relaxer and then a steroid shot.  I hate having these shots but once I get home and lay down comfortably it usually goes away.  The only problem with that is that the car isn't running and I cant walk there but also with the flu epidemic going around I don't want to go there and it get something else so here I am sitting in pain but there is nothing I can do I have to sit here and bear with the pain it makes me realize what my husband is going through.  He is always in pain because of his back.  I just have such a hard time dealing with this pain it feels like my butt is broken and I have this huge lump that spreads across my lower back I have also tried doing icy hot and hot packs and ice packs along with a chair massager that we have yet nothing is helping.

Oh my gosh, I hate pain.  So anyways I am also a little depressed you know life is really kicking me down and I don't know how to deal with it.  I want something but I cant have it no matter how much the money or if I just went and did it.  It would be the end of me.  I cant understand how some people can be so selfish its all about them and what they want.  I cant really say but I am so disappointed in these people who are so close to me that they would be acting in such a manner.  Oh well I know that god is with me and he will show me a way to get through this just like we get through everything else.  It is time for me to be responsible and do what is right for a change.  I just want a good home and my kids to be happy and well off in life even though I don't have the money I wish that I could just do this now and not wait until later.  So this is some of the things I have been through and someday I will be blessed to have the things I want.